i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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