i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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