just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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