3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
