I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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