Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
