Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize