pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
