Your mouth is God's brothel.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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