apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
