Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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