Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
