Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm getting married
To pizza
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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