"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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