my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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