Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
