Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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