Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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