I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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