Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We are all done wearing pants today
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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