At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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