forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
