you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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