I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
