did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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