fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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