I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
