6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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