My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
