i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
