I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
