I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
