not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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