Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
