I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
