He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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