I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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