I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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