Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
