I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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