wat bout pragnant strippers??
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
