drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
