My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize