Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
