So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
