the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
