Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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