I hate all girls vehemently.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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