I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
