Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
