I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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