We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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