There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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