Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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