I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
