my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Let the clothes fall where they may.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
