Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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