I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
