So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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