the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
