well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize