Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
