dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Randomize
