I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
