Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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