I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
