Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
