everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
