i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
