mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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