i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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